Wicked Cooking
by Draikanic Graticun IV
Summary: When the semester at Shiz changes the classes, some students aren't pleased with what they have for class...The dreaded cooking class with Madame Morrible.
1. The Class Switch

**Note: I don't own Wicked or the characters...You get the picture.**

**Anyway, this fanfic was an idea I had after watching some cooking shows. I know it's freaky. You can probably guess by the title. Well, on with the story!**

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It all started in the halls of Shiz. A new semester meant that the students were changed into different classes. Some jumped for joy about the changes posted on the bulletin board, while others groaned. And today for Elphaba, Galinda, Boq, and Fiyero, it was DEFINITELY a time to do a group groan.

"Why me?" Elphaba groaned.

"I know what you mean." Fiyero added.

"Of all of the classes Shiz has to offer..." Boq groaned.

"What could be worse than cooking with Madame Morrible?" Elphaba groaned.

Cooking class was not a very good class to be in. You see, the teacher was Madame Morrible, and not many liked the idea of the short-fused woman teaching how to cook. And to make matters worse, she assigned groups to make something for an overall grade.

"Well, it can't be that bad." Galinda said, trying to raise their spirits. "I mean, at least we don't have to take too many notes, right?"

"That is great and all..." Elphaba replied. "But COME ON! Madame Morrible is probably the meanest person in Oz!"

"I agree." Boq stated. "I'd rather join the Chess Club."

The four sighed.

"Well, starting tomorrow, our dreams have become one huge nightmare." Elphaba sighed.


	2. Cooking With Horrible Morrible

"Grand morning, fellow students!" Madame Morrible greeted her class while sporting a white apron and chef's hat that really didn't work well with her hair. "Today is the first day of learning culinary arts!"

Elphaba, Boq, Fiyero, and Galinda looked at each other miserably.

"How much longer until this class is over?" Boq asked quietly.

"More like how much longer can we stand before our legs fall asleep..." Fiyero answered after Boq.

"Boys!" Madame Morrible shouted at Boq and Fiyero. "Do you have something to share with the class?"

"No, Madame Morrible." Boq and Fiyero answered.

"Well then pay attention!"

"Yes, Madame Morrible."

"Now, I'd like to know first-hand." Madame Morrible continued. "Does anyone already know how to cook?"

Galinda shot her hand up in the air.

"Galinda, what in Oz are you doing?" Elphaba whispered to Galinda.

"I'm saying that I can cook!" Galinda answered.

"Galinda, putting an Oz Tart in a toaster and then burning it to chars is not considered cooking."

"Oh."

Galinda put her hand down.

"You burned an Oz Tart?" Fiyero asked Galinda, trying to control his laughter.

"It only happened that one time!" Galinda protested.

"And when was that 'one time'?" Boq asked.

Galinda mumbled,

"This morning."

Boq and Fiyero looked at her for five seconds and then bursted out laughing.

"BOYS!" Madame Morrible yelled.

"SHE BURNED AN OZ TART!" Boq and Fiyero cried as they laughed, making all of the other students laugh as well.


	3. Oz Tart Ala Char

"At least all four of us are paired together." Elphaba said. "But what are we going to make?"

"Not_ Oz Tart Ala Char_, that's for sure..." Fiyero joked, Galinda smacking him behind his head with her wand. "Hey, it was supposed to be funny! Have a bit of humor, Galinda!"

"How can I when you and Bick made me the laughing stock of Shiz?" Glainda replied angirly.

"Hey, focus here!" Elphaba said, breaking up the argument. "I asked what are we going to make?"

"We sure aren't going to have Galinda as head chef." Boq joked, Galinda smacking him behind his head with her wand. "Ouch!"

"Well, you'd be too short to be head chef!" Galinda replied.

"Hey, I am taller than your average munchkin; Get off my case!" Boq reminded her.

Elphaba slapped her forehead. This wasn't going as she wanted it to be. If her parenters were going to keep on fighting, they wouldn't get anything done.

"Guys, stop bickering and focus, for Oz' sake!" Elphaba shouted.

Silence.

"Good. So, first thing's first: Does anyone in our group already know how to cook BESIDES GALINDA?"

Boq and Fiyero looked at her stupidly.

"HA!" Galinda shouted. "YOU TWO CAN'T EVEN COOK!"

"Galinda..."

"Well neither of them raised their hands...So they probably can't cook or are too embarassed to say they tried and failed!"

"No we're not!" Fiyero and Boq protested.

"Well, what did you guys make?" Galinda asked.

"Galinda, get off their case." Elphaba told her. "So I guess none of us really can cook very well, I suppose. But if we put our heads together, we could probably get something good out of it. Now, any suggestions?"

"I know!" Fiyero began. "Wait...I forgot."

"We need to plan a 3 course meal." Elphaba remided them. "Appitizer, Main Course, and Dessert."

"I'll make salad." Galinda suggested.

"Let's hope you don't put it in the toaster and burn it..." Boq joked, Galina smacking him behind the head with her wand.

"I'll try and make spaghetti and meatballs." Boq suggested.

"And I'll make brownies." Fiyero suggested.

"See what we can all accomplish when we work together?" Elphaba said.

But how wrong were her words.

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**A/N: Sorry about the very long wait, readers! I just got the Wicked book, so I probably won't post as good as I can on account of me reading up on it. But, I promise you Chap. 4 will be up maybe next week. And let me just say Chap. 4 is going to be a VERY long and hillarious chapter.**


	4. For The Love of Salted Brownies

**Note: Thanks to my very great friend Tucker's Mayflower for giving me some of the ideas in this chapter. YOU ROCK! _Gives Mayflower brownies_**

**Also, I don't go to college yet, so I'm not sure if college people have classes on Sunday...But there's a pretty funny reason why in this story.**

**Onto the story!**

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The next day was Sunday, which was the day the cooking class was to begin their three-course meal project. Elphaba, Boq, Galilnda, and Fiyero were putting on their aprons and hats (Except for Elphaba, who rejected the idea of wearing a cheap paper hat and decided to wear her witch's hat).

"Elphaba, why are you wearing your witch's hat in cooking class?" Galinda asked.

"Why not?" Elphaba answered. "Who says I can't wear my hat in cooking class?"

"The Fashion Laws of Cooking said so!"

"Galinda, there are no fashion laws of cooking."

"Yes there are."

"Whatever. Anyway, do you all remember what you're going to do?"

The other three nodded.

"Okay, get the pots and pans out. We need a frying pan, a pasta pan, a brownie pan, and a salad bowl."

Galinda took out a small plastic container that had the words 'Oz Whip' on it.

"Salad bowl." Galinda told Elphaba.

"Galinda, that's not a salad bowl." Elphaba replied. "That's a container of Oz Whip."

"Well what kind of deranged freak puts the Oz Whip in the pan holder?"

"Leave that out; I need that." Fiyero said as he took the container away from Galinda.

"Well what am I supposed to put the salad in?" Galinda protested.

"In a SALAD bowl." Elphaba replied, taking out a small brown bowl and handing it to Galinda.

"And what are YOU going to do, Elphie?"

"I'm doing the main course with Boq."

"But you have to boil water."

"That's why I'm wearing gloves."

Elphaba showed off her hands, which had oven mitts on them.

"Why do you need gloves?" Boq asked.

"I'm allergic to water, remember?" Elphaba answered.

"Sure you are..." Boq said.

"I AM!"

"Prove it!"

"I'm not proving it!"

"You're too scared to prove it!"

"No, if I proved it, I'd be all over the floor!"

Boq looked at her confusingly.

"I'd melt..." Elphaba told him. "You know, like if you put chocolate in a microwave on high for five minutes?" (A/N: Kids, DO NOT try this at home! )

"Sure you do." Boq said.

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"BOQ, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Elphaba asked as she saw him making the meatballs.

"Making meatballs..." Boq answered confusingly.

"With what?"

"With meat...They're called meatballs because you use meat."

"I knew that. But why? What if it was an Animal's meat?"

"It's not Animal meat..."

"Okay, just checking."

Elphaba sighed in relief. Things were going good so far. Everything was all under control. She was sure this was going to get an A plus for this.

She thought a bit too soon.

Galinda noticed the salad was a bit watery.

_"How am I supposed to get all of this water out?"_ She thought. _"Maybe if I put them in the oven, the water will evaporate! Galinda, you're a genius!"_

Galinda put the salad in the oven and turned it on.

"Fiyero, are those brownies in the oven now?" Elphaba asked Fiyero.

"No, I'm still mixing." Fiyero answered.

Elphaba turned around and looked inside the oven.

"GALINDA, WHY DID YOU PUT THE SALAD IN THE OVEN?"

"That's how you get the water out of it, isn't it?" Galinda asked.

"YOU USE A STRAINER!" Elphaba yelled at her, taking out a strainer. "THIS! YOU USE THIS, NOT THE OVEN!"

"Well exuse me for not knowing!" Galinda replied as she took the strainer.

"You don't need it now, you took the water out and then some!" Elphaba said as she took it back.

_"What else can go wrong?"_ Elphaba thought.

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A while later, the brownies were in the oven and the spaghetti was in the pot. Elphaba began to think that even with the salad now cooked, she can still probably get her and her partners a high B, maybe a low A, if they were lucky.

"The brownies are done!" Fiyero announced as he took the brownies out of the oven and began to cut some squares. "Anyone want to try some?"

The three each took one brownie.

"Mmmm mmmm mmm-PLECH!"

The three spat out the brownies.

"Fiyero, what did you put in them?" Elphaba asked.

"I put the stuff that was on the box!" Fiyero answered. "And I added the secret ingredient!"

"And what's the secret ingredient?" Elphaba dared to ask.

"Salt!" Fiyero answered.

There was silence for about three seconds, and then Elphaba completely lost her mind.

"WHAT KIND OF DERANGED FREAK OF NATURE PUTS SALT IN BROWNIES?" She screamed at him.

"My mother." Fiyero answered. "I only put in a pinch!"

"Fiyero, let me ask you something...DO YOU KNOW WHAT A PINCH IS?"

"A pinch is a pinch!"

And Fiyero pinched her. Elphaba took out a frying pan and was about to smack the living daylights out of Fiyero, but decided not to.

"Well, even though we have salted brownies and cooked salad..." Elphaba said. "We should still get at least a B with the spaghetti, right?"

Boq, who was apparently trying to use Galinda's magic to make the spaghetti cook faster, poked Elphaba from behind.

"Elphaba," Boq began. Elphaba began to get nervous.

"Boq, you didn't. Don't tell me you pulled a Galinda...Of all of Oz, please tell me you didn't."

"I suppose you wouldn't want to turn around, then."

Elphaba turned around, and saw what looked like a spaghetti monster.

"BACK! BACK!" Galinda yelled, smacking the monster with her wand. "BACK, I SAY!"

Elphaba ran over and joined Galinda by smacking it with the frying pan she had.

"WHERE'S MADAME MORRIBLE WHEN YOU NEED HER!" Elphaba shouted.

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Meanwhile, in the teacher's lounge, all of the teachers of Shiz were sitting on an overstuffed couch wearing jerseys. One thing was for sure; Super Bowl Sunday in Oz was a very important time of the year.

"I still cannot believe the Munchkinland Midgets made it!" Doctor Dillamond said, sporting his Munchkinland Midgets jersey.

"Celebrate while you can." Madame Morrible said to the Goat. "The Emerald City Packers are sure to win!" The cheesehead hat she was wearing fell off, but she picked it up and put it back on.

A couple of teachers agreed and disagreed with her.

"You just like the Packers because they wear green." Doctor Dillamond protested.

"No, I've been a Packers fan my whole life. I was born a Packers fan!"

"I still think they're going to lose..."

"Oh shut your mouth, Goat Man!"

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**A/N: Heh heh...Chapter 5 will be up sooner, I promise. And you've just got to love cliffhangers!**


	5. Dry Spaghetti Monster:DO NOT TOUCH

"YOU ATE MY WAND!"

The big fight with the spaghetti monster wasn't going as good as they thought. Apparently it ATE Galinda's dinky little training wand, and Galinda was now whacking the daylights out of it with the salad bowl. Elphaba was yelling at Fiyero and Boq for help, but they were too busy celebrating the demise of the training wand.

"STOP CELEBRATING AND HELP US OUT HERE!" Elphaba yelled.

"What are we going to do?" Fiyero asked.

"You're a Warrior Prince! You SHOULD know what to do!"

Fiyero looked all around for something to knock the monster out with.

"FIYERO, USE THE BROWNIES!" Elphaba yelled.

"NO!" Fiyero said. "NOT THE BROWNIES I SLAVED OVER!"

"They're our only hope of keeping the kitchen!" Elphaba shouted, smacking the spaghetti on the head with her frying pan.

"No! Not my work!" Fiyero said.

"YOU DID THE INSTRUCTIONS FROM A BOX! ANYONE COULD READ INSTRUTCTIONS ON A BOX!"

"Like how Galinda did with the Oz Tart..." Fiyero said silently.

"I HEARD THAT!" Galinda shouted.

"Fine, I'll use the brownies..." Fiyero said, picking up the brownie tin. "I'm going to miss you guys..."

He stood in front of the monster.

"EAT MY CHOCOLATEY SQUARES OF DEATH!" He shouted, throwing the brownies at the monster.

Elphaba looked at him confusingly at the 'chocolatey squares of death' thing. Where does he think of all of this?

The brownies that Fiyero threw somehow made the monster flinch, most likey from the high amounts of sodium chloride that were in them.

"HA! FEAR THE POWER OF SALT!"

Elphaba, Boq, and Galinda looked at him as if he were insane. But, Fiyero was really enjoying himself. He never had this much action in the Arjiki clan, and the only battle he had there closer to this was a battle between him and a wild kitten (The kitten won on account of Fiyero's allergies...).

The battle between the brownies and the spaghetti monster lasted for a good three minutes or so, on account of Madame Morrible coming into the kitchen...

"WHAT MAY I ASK IS GOING ON HERE?" She yelled.

The monster recognized the voice.

"Mama?"

"MAMA?" Elphaba, Fiyero, Galinda, and Boq said confusingly.

"I made him." Madame Morrible said. "Well, I made his dry pasta form, anyway. Did you touch the red box that said 'Dry Spaghetti Monster' by any chance?"

Everyone looked at Boq and said,

"Boq..."

"I'm taller than your average munchkin, get off my case!" Was all Boq could get out of his mouth before Elphaba smacked him with the frying pan.

The End

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**A/N: Sorry about entering it so late, readers! School just stared, and I can't really focus as much...Also I am working on a great Wicked Fanfic that will hopefully be done around Halloween (Since the story is set on that particular day...hint hint) **


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